Eleventh page – Session at December 9, 2008
So these notes are all about what I told her happened during my talk with the guy. What I found very disturbing about this session was that she was willing to accept a secondhand report of what he said, despite never having even met the guy. This after sessions of constantly doubting ME. (By this time I was very aware of the doubting, which is why this was the second-to-last session. I’d already decided to quit.)
She ate it up. I told her that he said he really likes me, and that he had been emailing me every day since, yadda yadda. Notice that she wrote that I said I “was wrong about him” and that “he IS benignly oblivious”. I actually never said those things. She had said in an earlier session that he was in touch so infrequently because he was benignly oblivious, so I suppose she interpreted my report as proof of her assessment.
It really concerned me that suddenly she was so accepting of what I said. I’d finally cracked it: the way to get her off my back is to tell her what she wants to hear, and to hell with whatever I actually think. For all she knew, I was making up the whole thing.
There is some other stuff in the notes about my family. It’s not really true that I “shared” this information, she asked for it. I was never interested in getting in-depth about family issues.
Twelfth page – Session at December 23, 2008
Some background: Since I had last seen the therapist, I had had one more date with the guy, during which he assaulted me. The assault was not forceful enough to do any physical harm. His intent was more to humiliate me. It occurred during sex, and I would have to get pretty X-rated to describe what happened, but trust me, it wasn’t something anyone wants to experience.
Afterwards I remember quite clearly thinking “My instincts about this guy were spot on, and her were way off, so what do I need her for?” I showed up for this appointment knowing it would be the last and having on interest in discussing it with her.
I quite deliberately did not mention anything about the guy or the assault. Can you imagine what horsesh1t she would have come up with in her interpretation of that?
The notes contain 72 words. Another stellar attempt to capture all the pertinent details. I find it curious that she put “pretending” in quotes. What did she think? That my family wasn’t really pretending that everything was OK? That in fact everything was OK and they were acting accordingly, and I had merely misconstrued their act as “pretending”? She always had the option to simply believe what I said.
She left out some pretty juicy stuff I told her about my father. It was just the kind of thing a therapist could go to town with, so I would have thought it would catch her attention. On the other hand, she was very dismissive of it at the time.